Tiandao's Guide To Life

Sima Tiandao's Guide to Life and Other Somewhat Partially and Perhaps Fully Related Matters 

v0.000000001666667 pre-alpha 03 Aug. 2012

Foreword
This guide is provided as is, and is used at the user's own risk. Neither myself, or any of my affiliates, associates, friends, random people I've bumped into on the street, etc. will be held liable for any injuries, emotional distress, lost limbs, financial ruin, general feeling of discomfort and/or itching behind the ears, that may result from the use of this guide or failure to do so.

You may use, reproduce, duplicate, print out, eat, give away to strangers, or burn for warmth on a cold winter's night, this guide. However, if you make any stupid edits, you may be liable to receive one (1) free thrashing with a tire iron for your trouble. All information in this guide is copyright its original authors, except where plagiarised with wild abandon. Offers valid except where prohibited. Use with caution. May cause cancer in rats.

Part One - General “Do”s and “Don't”s
Do:  Read this guide and internalise its deep wisdom. Doing so will aid you in living a successful life, which includes but is not limited to: Doing things correctly; winning at events including sports, weddings, and all you can eat buffets; impressing (or tormenting) your friends/colleagues/loved ones/the homeless.

Don't: Die. Dying is counterproductive to living life, and doing so will preclude you from further following this guide. Much like working for Microsoft, dying will ruin your life.

Do:  Acquire currency. Having money at hand is always preferable to having money at foot, or having to dig through garbage bins for food and having to fight off rabid homeless people to secure a sleeping ditch for the night. Don't: Be flippantly rude to any inoffensive grey-bearded stranger you may meet in pine forests or hotel smoking rooms on the continent. It always turns out to be the King of Sweden.

Do:  Waggle your arms “just so” - it's good exercise and will help you remain trim, fit, spry, and other adjectives. It will also impress and/or bore your friends/colleagues/loved ones/the homeless.

Don't: Misplace your limbs, they are very helpful and you will find life a good deal more challenging without them. If you have misplaced your limbs, then DON'T PANIC - the homeless always provide a ready source of replacements (Disclaimer: Replacement limbs may be subject to wear and tear, functionality might not be in line with original limbs. Use with caution)

Do:  Make yourself at home. Don't:  Do anything I wouldn't do.

Part Two - Achieving Success in 10 steps:
1: Don't fail. This is very important.

2: Take a deep breath and look around, be sure to orient yourself properly. This is also a good time to take note of your surroundings.

3: THERE IS NO STEP THREE

4: Always be sharply dressed. Being sharply dressed is better than being bluntly dressed. If you feel you are bluntly dressed, consider putting your clothes to a grindstone for several seconds.

5: Eat three square meals a day. If you are eating round meals, you may turn bright orange and your limbs will fall off. Also pay close attention to the number - if you eat four square meals, you will swell up and become blimp-like in appearance, whereas if you only consume two, you will wither away and, as the philosophers say “croak.”

6.5: Don't be too sharply dressed or you might cut yourself. If you feel you are too sharply dressed, gently attend to your attire with a peening hammer, to blunt any protruding corners or razor-sharp edges.

7: Polish is important. Always polish everything. If you cannot polish something, then consider painting it with a high gloss paint instead.

8: To prepare yourself for success, consider doing some light stretching exercises to warm up. Get limber. Advanced students can even attempt to “get loose.”

9: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. If you don't have a hold on yourself, you may lose yourself. Don't do this. It's bad and only bad people do it. You're not a bad person, are you?

10: Succeed.

11: Coming soon.

12: If you find yourself unable to succeed, DON'T PANIC. Simply lie down, and wait to die.

Part Three
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Part Four
Coming soon in version 0.0127a beta: ''And many, many more! ''
 * How to walk, a step by step guide.
 * Inside voice - so you don't have one?
 * How to be a 1337 h4x0rz on the internets.
 * Magnets, how DO they work?
 * How to: committing and getting away with fraud
 * Defeating them - a handbook.
 * Advice: So I'm struggling to get any advice
 * Communicating with the mentally deficient or, arguing on the internet: All your opinions are wrong (and why)!