The Gensoukyou Highway Code

THE GENSOUKYOU ALTERNATIVE HIGHWAY CODE (Not to be confused with The Gensoukyou Alternative Highway Cod.)

The Last Touhou Driving Guide by Finbarr Derperty

THE ROAD: A BRIEF HISTORY
Before we go any further, it's worth taking a moment to look at the history of the Gensoukyou roads. The road was invented in 1919 by Fujiwara No Littlechef (Later known as Lady Sideorder Of Onionrings) who was seeking to attract more customers to her Yakkitori stands, which were all situated in the middle of fields. The road was an immediate success and spread rapidly across Gensoukyou, much to the relief of people who frankly quie sick of having to trudge evrywhere through woods, across meadows, and along rivers. As with many other great Gensoukyouian inventions, such as the ear-hair trimmer and the Horse GT, the road quickly spread across the universe, and soon became the international standard for getting anywhere, at least until 1974 when Lady Aya Heathrow-Giftshop invented the aeroplane.

The road continues to this day, but in this modern Gensoukyou the demands on the road are ever greater as an increasing number of things fight for space on it, including Touhous, truckhous, cyclists, cirnopeds, unicyclists, lorry drivers, horse GT riders, bad Tengu pilots and, of course, an escaped leopard.

With this ever-growing demand for road space, it is vital that all road users abide by the same set of clearly defined rules.

How To Use The Road
Using a road is very simple. If you want to go somewhere, the road should be used in the up-down or vertical orientation.

However, some users may wish to simply 'get over' or 'cross' the road. These users would include:

• Pedestrians

• Chickens

In such an instance, the road should be used in the left-right or horizontal orientation.

DO NOT attempt to take the road internally. The contents of the road may have settled in transit.

DO NOT attempt to operate the road when drowsy.

Warning: The road may go up as well as down. These are called 'hills'.

USING THE ROAD IN A TOUHOU
Here are some basic tips for using the road in a car. Please remember: Many of these rules apply ONLY to Touhou drivers. Do not attempt to follow them if you are a pedestrian, a chicken, or an escaped leopard.

Before Moving Off You Should...
•Get into the Touhou. Always do this BEFORE moving off. Trust us, we've tried the other way and it ruins your shoes, trousers, and face.

• Once in the Touhou, lock the doors really quickly but in such a way that passers-by cannot see you doing it and assume that you are a massive coward.

• You are not a massive coward,, it's just that you know Satori who works in the newsagent, well she knew this bloke, yeah, who once got into this Touhou and then before he set off, yeah, this guy with a knife jumped in the back and slashed him, yeah, and then stole all his Cucumbers. Although apparently when the police came, it turned out that it wasn't a bloke with a knife at all. It was an escaped leopard.

• Where were we? Oh yeah, next you should check your wing mirrors. Chances are your wing mirrors are scratched, out of position, held on with gaffer tape, and connected to the rest of the Touhou by one of Yamame's spiderwebs.

• Switch on the Touhou. Again, it seems quite basic, but many people forget. It's worth bearing in mind that forgetting to switch on the engine at the start of a journey can add up to FIVE hours to a journey that would otherwise take 20 minutes, so think on.

• Before pulling away, take time to adjust your radio, air conditioning and (where applicable) horns.

• Rotate your head 180 degrees to check that all blind spots are clear. If you cannot rotate your head 180 degrees you should install a Car Miko Owl. Even a standard Car Miko Owl is a valuable safety aid that gives the driver greater awareness of what is around him or her. Sorry, not Car Miko Owl. We meant 'interior mirror'. There is no such thing as a Car Miko Owl.

• Go, Go, Go!

Pulling Away The Patchouli Knowledge Way
• Decide which car you are going to use today.

• Oh dear, you've just remembered that the Rolls is in a garage 20 miles away. That's a bit of an inconvenience.

• Oh blast, it turns out you didn't buy that Rover P6 off eBay after all. Must have dreamt that. Make mental note not to keep reading the Rover P6 Haynes Manual in bed with Koakuma.

• Decide to take the Alfa Romeo Guila Sprint.

• Check the tire pressures, oil level, and top up the windscreen-washer fluid.

• Go inside for a nice cup of tea.

• Return to the car and get in it.

• Remove the small, soft-bristled brush to remove any traces of dust from the dashboard controls and air vents.

• Slip the small, soft-bristled brush back into the special brush puch and replace it in the interior tools-storage box.

• Ensure that all the air vents are lined up.

• Phew, this is thirsty work. Go back inside for a nice cup of tea.

• Return to the car.

• Double-check all the air vents are correctly aligned.

• Turn the ignition to position 1 and assess all gauges and warning lights.

• Oh dear, it seems to have gone dark.

• Depress the clutch and ensure the car is in neutral.

• You are now ready to start the car.

• Ah, hang on. I think the shop might have shut by now.

• Go back in the house and have a nice cup of tea. Pop a pie in the oven for dinner. Read Rover P6 Haynes manual in bed with Koakuma.

What To Do When Caught In A Traffic Jam
When caught in stationary traffic on your own, the following ways are recommended for passing the time:

• Turn your Touhou's heater fan onto maximum and watch small pieces of dead leaf getting swirled around at the base of the windscreen.

• Fiddle with the balance controls on the stereo to find out what Layla Primsriver would sound like if she were in the back seat.

• Yawn.

• Yawn while moving a hand over your mouth to make a Red Indian noise.

• Comtemplate sending a text message about the traffic jam to the Youkai Mountain radio station travel desk using an 'amusing' nom de plume like I.P. Mypants or S.Piderman, but don't because that's actually as amusing as drowning in a pile of steaming horse manure.

• Consider having a wee in an empty coke bottle but think better of it.

• Play five minutes of that audio book you bought four years ago before you realise how appalling they were.

• Pick at the stain on your jeans and frantically worry about what caused it.

• Think about Goerge Bush. Or pasties. Or a weird combination of both.

• Invent various ways of executing the massive baka that caused this queue.

• Wee into an empty coke bottle.

When caught in stationary traffic with a passenger, the only reasonable way to pass the time is by playing Eirin Yagokoro's Dashboard Difference Game.

Here are the rules:

-Player 1 observes the current position of all the switches, buttons, and other controls on the car dashboard.

-Player 1 then closes their eyes.

-Player 2 adjusts the position of ONE dashboard button, switch, or other control. When this is done, they may instruct Player 1 to open their eyes.

-Player 1 then attempts to identify the one button, switch, or other control that has been adjusted.

-Repeat.

Road Junctions
The word 'junction' only applies in Gensoukyou. In the US, a junction is called an 'intersection', whereas in Gensoukyou Intersection is probably a magazine so unbelievably trendy that newsagents are expressly forbiddem from selling it to you, unless your hairstyle is asymmetircal and violent.

Popular types of junction include T, Box, and of course, Clapham. Please note that if you find yourself driving through the latter, something has gone catastrophically wrong and you are about to get hit by a train.

Bridges
There are more than seven bridges in Gensoukyou, or at least that's what Yukari's mate Nue Houjuu told us. Mind you, she's the one that's now banned from holding a pub quiz anywhere in the Bamboo Forest Of The Lost as a result of all the consequent violence. Anyways, bridges are a vital part of driving in Gensoukyou, as they ease the traffic flows and provide drivers with a nice and handy place in which to have a low speed accident.

Sadly however, many bridges are now broken, the main cause being Parsee Mizuhashi, who arrived at the bridge to the Ancient City in 2003 and became so paralysed with Fear and Confusion that she's still sitting there to this day, blocking it's only entrance with a 217-mile queue behind her.

You should give priority to traffic approaching from your right. Although occasionally, two Touhous will arrive at the same time from opposite directions and then it's time to play Bridge Roulette. Each Touhou is on the right-hand side of the other. So who's going to edge out first and who's going to give way? The matter is usually solved with a low-speed accident.

Mini-Bridges
Mini-Bridges are like Tengu. They're hard to take seriously, no-one gives them any respect, and they usually end up with tyre marks all over them.

FITNESS TO DRIVE
It is not just your Touhou that must be in a suitable condition for the roads of Gensoukyou. As a driver, you must be as well. You can assess your fitness to drive by asking yourself the following questions:

Can you see?

Do you have at least some arms and legs/Have you not needed to refer to step two too often?

Do you have a driving licence/Are you seriously considering obtaining a driving licence at some point in the future?

Okay, you're fit to drive. Away you go!

Always remember that driving whilst tired can cause difficulties. At 70mph on a motorway, even the smallest yawn can cause issues such as inattention, loss of control, and wasp swallowing. Worse yet, falling asleep at the wheel can lead to severe conditions such as a stiff face, which is a common side effect of smashing into a shrine. So don't sleep at all. Ever.

Vision
You MUST be able to read a Touhou number plate in good light from a distance of 20 metres. If you are doing your driving test, it is quite easy to get around this part by memorising all the number plates in the surrounding area. Better still, all number plates ever.

It is worth bearing in mind that if a driving examiner rules that you are completely blind and would be a menace on the road, he is inmediately approving you for a job driving a Ran.

Before setting off, ensure that you have planned your route and allowed sufficient time. If you are a blithering simpleton, please allow extra time for following your Sat Nav instructions in an overly literal and pedantic manner that causes you to drive into a canal/house/live firing-range/Makai/any other place that will create a Bunbunmaru story specially formulated so that people can laugh heartily at your idiotic nature.

Make sure that you are not a dog. It's easily done. Yes it is. Yes it IS. Ooo's a good doggy, eh? Ooo is? Yes, oo are. Yes.

Seat Belts And Driver Restraints
-You MUST wear a seatbelt in a Touhou, unless it is a minicab and you're the driver, in which case it would be far easier to persuade you to use the bloody air-con de-mist setting and not drive everywhere in fifth gear.

-Legally, you are supposed to wear a seatbelt if you are a Ran/Van driver. Legally, no human may enter the Human Village before sunrise on pain of decapitation, but no-one bothers with that legislation either. If they did, Mima would have been on the first plane to the Human Village before you could say 'Crossbow'.

Drivers Who Are Carrying Children In Touhous, Rans And Other Vehicles Should Also Ensure That:

• Small children are strapped into car seats or booster seats, which takes ages, especially as the buckles are impossible to fit, and that the figety little bastards have been pumped full of so many E-numbers that they refuse to keep still.

• You have books, toys, games, teddies, music, DVds, crisps, sweets, fruit(Only joking), pillows, cushions, favourite blankets, and a lifete supply of Infacol. Or just some ear plugs and gaffer tape.

• You know at least 16 verses of 'The Wheels On The Bus'.

Children should NOT be locked in the boot, attached to the roof rack, or dragged from the tow bar, no matter how tempting it seems.

THE RULES FOR CIRNOCYCLISTS
Cirnocycling can be extremly dangerous and extremely stupid. So it's worth following this chapter carefully.

1. Don't buy a Cirnocycle. No-one shall listen to this rule though, so head to rule two, or, failing that, step two.

2. It is vital to wear the correct protective clothing when Cirnocycling. Unless by 'Cirnocycling' you mean 'riding to a job at a media company on your stupid scooter', in which case you believe that a T-shirt and ridiculous knee-length trousers will be fine and indeed that you look quite cool, right up until the moment that bits of your body a smeared like pâté across the surface of the road. For proper Cirnocyclists, a full set of leathers is essential. When selecting your leathers, remember to always choose the set that will most make you look like a Power Ranger, preferably a slightly camp one.

RULES FOR STANDARD CYCLISTS
With the invention of the car, and with the prototype Horse GT having been released from the mechanism, cycling was made redundant along with Touhou driving as a form of transport and was reduced to the role of a hobby, specially designed for weird Kappa families that enjoy dressing up in identical clothes and cheerfully pedal around the lanes of Suffolk under the mistaken illusion that all of their lives must for some reason resemble one particularly long yoghurt advertisement. Well, here's some rules for you all anyways...

Rules For Bitter Losers And Idiots Who Don't Have Touhous
• You MUST NOT cycle on pavements/sidewalks, even though you always do. Equally, pedestrians who see a cyclist heading in their own direction on the pavement MUST NOTjam an umbrella through one of their wheels.

• You MUST somehow make the assumption that you are somehow far more important than anyone else, and that red lights simply do not apply to you. This is fair enough. Although please bear in mind that if you are going to be such an arrogant little prickface, you should know that ambulances and A&E departments shall not apply to you either.

• You MUST get into an absurdly self-righteous argument with a bus driver, signally failing to notice that A) he really doesn't give a flying fupk whose right of way it was, and B) he has control of a 10-ton lamb mincer.

• You MUST weave through traffic with an air of remarkable smugness, even though you are the one who shall arrive at work drenched in both sweat and lorry-drivers' mucus.

• Cycle couriers: You MUST behave like an unbelievable cock-end. Oh, wait, you already do.

• You MUST wear the correct gear. You know - The stuff that makes you look like an extra from a rave video. Tight lycra, girlie backpack,  brain-constricting baseball cap, and an elaborate water bottle that appears to have been designed for Thunderbird Five, and not the inside lane of the A414.

• It is highly recommended that you fit a bell to your bicycle, because this makes you look even more ridiculous/hilarious. There are few things more entertaining in life than the sight of a little peeved cyclist ineffectually ringing their teensy-weensy bell at a speeding 12-ton titan. Yes, my trouser-clipped friend, he won't mess with you ever again. Mainly because he has already made a mess of the tarmac with the remains of your head.

RULES FOR PEDESTRIANS
There is no need for walking. Walking is something that you do in order to get a snack from the fridge. Walking is not needed for heading to another destination outside of your own home. A Touhou will get you there 10 times quicker and you won't get covered in rain (mostly). Plus, you get to sit down.

General Guidance
• If you must walk, keep to the pavement. That's the deal; you get the pavement, the drivers get the road.

• When using the pavement, walk as far away from the kerb as possible, preferably right against the wall. That way, you shall spare drivers the sight of your tired, miserable face.

• If there is no pavement, keep to the right-hand side of the road. But remember to not get cocky. You're a guest, ok?

• Help other road users to see you at all hours of the day. When it's dark, wear lightly coloured clothes, reflective armbands, sashes, fluorescent waistcoats, and traffic cones. This shall make you more visible to Touhou drivers. What's more, it shall give them a good laugh at your expense.

Moving Vehicles
You MUST NOT get on to a moving vehicle or hold on to a moving vehicle. You are not in Back To The Future. Time travel is not possible. If it were, the present would be full of visitors from the future, and I would be constantly popping back to 1947 in order to buy more records and suits.

Pelican Crossings
These are signal-controlled crossings operated by pedestrians. (Actually, they are not. The button does not work at all. It isn't connected to a wire or anything. It is just there to give pedestrians something to do while they are waiting and to give them a false sense of self-importance. Do not tell them, though. They would probably break down in a fit of crying were they to find out the truth.)

Puffin Crossings
These are very similar to Pelican crossings, but, er, smaller... And, oh, I don't know, they use less fish.

Toucan Crossings
Yes, these crossings do exist. It is something that allows pedestrians and cyclists to share the same space. Because, of course, cyclists would never normally ride roughshod across areas that are only meant to be used by pedestrians, oh deary me, no.

Equestrian Crossings
Yes, there really is a crossing called the equestrian crossing. But no-one has ever seen one. It's almost certainly a front for some massive expenses scam within the department of transport. 'That's right, Minister - we need £400m to install... Er... Equestrian crossings throughout central Gensoukyou. Actually, could you make the cheque payable to me...?' said Suwako Moriya to Kanako Yasaka, just hours before her arrest and swift imprisonment.

Duck-Billed Platypus Crossings
Ah, now these definitely do not exist. A pity, really, as they would be rather funny.

Emergency Vehicles
If an Eirinbulance, Fire Engine, police, or other emergency vehicle approaches using flashing blue lights, headlights and/or sirens, keep off the road. There is always a chance that you shall end up in a dreadful satellite TV show presented by that fairy who used to read the news.

And definitely DO NOT chase after an emergency vehicle unless you are a lawyer from some shitty website such as BlameSomeoneElseDirect.com and you believe that you can make a few bob off someone else's misfortune. Or help them to unify all of their accidents into one giant, easy-to-manage accident. The kind that shall help them to use their blithering stupidity to ultimately make your car insurance renewal so enormous that you will have to pay it off in liquid diamond and Unicorn fragments.

Buses
Be especially careful when getting on or off a bus. This is a high-risk situation that presents dangers such as unprovoked knife frenzies, escaped leopard attacks, and being seen by people that you know who are driving by in their cars. You might also trip up over and old lady and her massive tartan shopping trolley full of cat food, tinned beetroot, and pre-packaged five-day-long anecdotes about rationing.

General Guidance
It is ILLEGAL for the following animals to drive a car:

•Badger

•Honey Badger

•Weasel

•Cheese Weasel

•Weasel 1.3 GLX

•Other weasels and weasel derivatives

•Dog

•Dog disguised as zebra

•Talking Crow

•Alan The Hamster

•The Helena Staples Ant Ensemble

•Bugs Bunny (After the drink-driving ban)

•Chen (After the drink-driving ban)

Horses
Horses are bastards. Unfortunately, however, they have some rather powerful friends in Westminister, and, even though they are literally the most stupid animals in the world, and get easily terrified of an old carrier bag snagged to a hedge or the sight of their own reflection in a puddle, they are somehow allowed to use the roads, alongside Touhous, Rans, and other, more reasonable ways of getting about... As in, the ways that do not involve leaving a massive pile of turds just to the left of the white line.

If you absolutely insist on riding a horse, you pillock, you must use a bridleway whenever possible. You MUST NOT take your horse onto a cycle track, a footpath or pavement, into a shopping centre, onto a moving escalator, up a stepladder, or to Paris on a weekend for two by Eurostar.

Other Animals
When in a Touhou, make sure that dogs are fastened down so that they shall not try to tear your throat out while you are driving. Do not let your animal drive the vehicle under any circumstances, even if it claims to have only downed one glass of wine and to feel 'fine'.

A seatbelt harness, pet carrier, dog cage, or dog guard are ways of restraining animals in acrs. However, a sack and a piece of rope are altogether far, far quicker and cheaper.

Animals And The Road
• If your vehicle has hit an animal, pull to a controlled halt, inspect the damage, and shout 'Yes! 20 points!'

• If your vehicle has hit an elephant, you are either extremely unlicky or about to get sacked as a zookeeper.

• Hitting an animal can be a particularly distressing experience. Especially if it has scratched the part that you had only just resprayed last year.

• If the animal is still alive, call a vet and ask for help.

• If the animal is quite dead, call Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and ask for a recipe.

MOTORWAYS/FREEWAYS
Motorways are like the Utsuho Reiuji's of the road network. Compared to other roads, they are bigger, noisier, faster, and going bald. Actually, that probably applies to the actual Utsuho and not to the tenuous-analogy Utsuho that we are discussing here. Anyways, here are some rules and hints for motorway driving:

When driving your Touhou in the outside lane, always remember to ensure that you throw the following items on to the central reservation:

• Double Single Shoe Spoiler

• Immaterial And Missing Hub Cap

• Story Of Eastern Smashed Wing Mirror

• Unidentified Fantastic Section Of Bumper

• Embodiment Of Scarlet Plastic Bag

• 47 Yards Of Cassette Tape That's Highly Responsive To Prayers.

If you're using the motorway to get to a football match, remember to always ascertain that a team scarf is shut in one of your windows so that it shall flutter in the wind and allow fans of rival teams to gob on you as they pass. It may also prove useful to fit the back seat of your car with a fat bloke in a comically awful team hat who is bery busy cramming a pasty into his face.

Coach drivers should always remember to ensure that their passengers look as depressed as possible, as in, they must stare vacantly out the window and wish that they had enough money for a train, or, failing that, a half-decent suicide.

Be aware of slow-moving traffic joining from the slip road, long vehicles, and cara suddenly slamming on the brakes due to the fact that they think that they'd passed a police car, only to realise that it is only the Traffic Wombles in their Highways Agency car and they cannot do jack shit.

Please remember that what the Traffic Wombles CAN do is exorcise all of their inherent petty-minded bitterness and all of those years of being bullied at school by shutting off an entire motorway just because someone's door mirror has fallen off. It is worth bearing in mind that terrifying prospect when you find yourself repeatedly unable to get home in time to see your children, and are then forced to hear the tales of their sad slide into prostitution and heroin addiction from your wife, and realise that the entire break-up of your whole family and your own personal slide into alcoholism and ultimately homelessness was almost entirely die to a self-righteous Brummiw with a Health and Safety Certificate and a mustache who had decided that he was going to make thousands of people late all because he had beesn given road-clieing powers that made him feel much better about the basic failure of his own miserable, inadequate life.

When passing speed cameras, do remember to observe the speed limitations, even though you are rather sure that they do not work and that they're just a scare tactic, similar to TV detector Rans and the Liberal Democrats/Democats.

Country Roads
Do take care in country roads. Especially as the local Youkai will be suprised to see horseless carriages made of metal (Houjuu Lancer only). Be prepared for pedestrians, cyclists, horse-riders, slow-moving farm machinery, inbred families, a complete loss of mobile phone signal, racism, endless swathes of mud, pubs where the same lonely chaps sit in the same seats at the same time every single night of the week, posh people with double-barrelled names, poor people with double-barrelled shotguns, 4x4s driven by clueless berks in Barbour jackets, Guy Ritchie, Bill Oddie, the cast of Last Of The Summer Wine, and the overwhelming stench of cow excrement being put through the letter box of your second home.

DRIVING IN ADVERSE CONDITIONS
Wet Weather If it rains, do two seperate things. First, put your wipers on. Then, don't drive like a twat and crash into anyone else. Oh, and also, appreciate the fact that you are getting your car washed for free instead of having to pay three eastern European Youkai a fiver to do it for you in the forecourt of an abandoned Shrine.

Snow The biggest hazard when driving in the snow is that you have to listen to the travel reports on the radio with their constant obsession with TRAVEL CHAOS!!! This occured during the events of PCB, and is a particularly strong risk if you are congenitally allergic to being given advice so unbelievably patronising that your blood shall boil. Examples of this advice may include 'Do not make any journey unless absolutely necessary!" - a slice of mindlessly banal noise that somehow presumes that our roads are typically filled with people who have nothing to do all day except for driving around for the sheer hell of it. 'Goodbye dear, i'm just off to drive to Myouren Temple and back for no earthly reason!' The other hazard during snow is ringing up someone in the outside world in Sweden or Canada and being forced to listen to them laughing themselves to death for 20 minutes at Gensoukyou's pathetically inept attempts at maintaining it's transport infastructure in the face of one medium-sized snowflake.

Windy Weather Strong gusts can blow a Touhou, lorry, cyclist, or Cirnocyclist off course. Beware of sudden twitches, unexpected winds, and loss of control. Stop giggling. This is NOT a fart joke.

Fog In the past, it was completely impossible for Touhoumotorists to know when it was foggy. Or at least, we must assume so, because what other possible reasons could the MoriyaAuthorities have for installing many expensive dot matrix signs on motorways that can flash up the word FOG when we have already been driving through the stuff for the last 15 fucking minutes? Surely it couldn't just be because they're a bunch of patronising morons wasting all of our time and money? Anyways, if you are interested, there is a major difference between fog, smog, mist, and low cloud. Annoyingly, however, only the Weathermen k ow and they're refusing to say. Although Shinki who works in Makai reckons that it's something to do with geese.

Lizard Attacks There is no such thing as a lizard attack.

WAITING AND PARKING
You MUST NOT stop or park:

• On the carriageway or hard shoulder of a motorway except during an emergency i.e. children needing to wee.

• On double yellow lines unless you have put your hazards on and are just using the cash machine.

• On a pedestrian crossing.

• On a railway crossing.

• Underwater.

• In a tree.

• Inside an industrial car-crusher.

• Near monkeys.

• On the runway of Senkai International Airport.

• In Byakuren Hijiri's bedroom.

• In Byakuren Hijiri's kitchen.

• In Byakuren Hijiri's hat vestibule

• In Byakuren Hijiri's amphitheatre of cheeses.

• On top of Yuugi Hoshiguma (Except in an emergency).

The Fujiwara Parking Technique
Stage 1: Locate space.

Stage 2: Pull handbrake, throw car into vicious slide.

Stage 3: Turn car through high speed 180 degrees.

Stage 4: Apply handbrake, lock door, continue pursuit of Kaguya Houraisan.

Turning On The Road Using Forward And Reverse Gears
That's right. It used to be called a three-point turn. Then some people in the Human Village had A LOT of meetings about it, and now it's not called that any more. Anyway, here goes:

- Pull in to the left-hand side of the road.

- Check that there is no traffic comning in either direction.

- Pull forwards and apply full right-hand steering lock.

- Sorry, can we just check - Are you reading this whilst attempting a three-point turn?

- If you ARE reading this while performing a three-point turn, slowly apply the handbrake, put the Touhou into neutral, turn of the engine, get our of the Touhou, and begin to walk steadily away from it. Keep walking and never turn back. Sorry, but some people aren't meant to do certain things. Yukari and football, for example. Or Kanako and football. Or Eirin and football. That's why there is no Old maids' five-a-side football team. Well, that, and the fact that they are two people short, which wouldn't happen if Mamizou Futatsuiwa and Yuyuko Saigyouji didn't always claim to be 'busy' whenever we actually got the leisure centre booked. Where were we? Oh yes, please don't take this personally, but if you need a book to take you through toing a three-point turn, then you simply should not be Touhoumotoring, ever. Now go away.

Turning In The Road Using The Forward And Reverse Gears Whilst Driving A Limousine That You Have Made Yourself Out Of An Old 56-Foot Long Nitori LSF, You Neko silly!
- Pull into the left-hand side of the road.

- Check that there is no traffic coming from either direction.

- Pull forwards and... Oh no, what was that grinding noise, nya?

- Pull forwards and apply full right-hand steering lock.

- Ignore the underwhelmed cries of a distant Yukari Yakumo.

- Ah, that's really nowhere near enough lock, Nya...

- Engage reverse... Sorry, it always does that!

- Reverse whilst applying full left-hand lock... What was that bang, nya?

- Ask Yukari Yakumo to confirm that the bollard could probably be glued back together.

- Drive forward whilst applying full right-hand lock.

- Ignore the Touhoumotorists who are now being held up by a massive tube of Kappa-shaped nonsense.

- Reverse while applying full... Oh God, not the same bollard again, nya!

- Ah, yeah, that lady in the blue Focus seems to be VERY angry now, nya.

- Move forwards while applying... I'm doing the best I can! Yes, that's right miss, it's her from the gaps, Nya...

- Reverse while... It's jammed under the car now, Nya?! Oh no!

- Move forward while... What was that noise, nya? No, the other noise... The sort of creaking one...

- Entire vehicle snaps in half.

- Damn, Nya!

RULES FOR ELDERLY DRIVERS
- Maintain  a speed at least 2omph below the maximum speed limit.

- Indicate at least 500 metres before turning. And then change your mind after the last minute.

- Try not to change gear more than once every 15 minutes, as it 'wastes petrol' and also 'damages the engine'.

- Use Sundays for sightseeing trips on the tightest of country lanes. The most common sight will be a tailback of furious drivers attempting to get past you.

- Repeatedly say to your spouse 'I don't know why he's flashing me. I'm doing 23 as it is. This chap's a maniac!'

- When a car approaches on the other side of the road, apply brakes and slow to a virtual halt.

- Do not use the motorway hard shoulder for emergencies. Instead, use it for picnics and photo opportunities.

- Repeat the phrase 'Fifty-six years i've been driving and i've never had a single acccident.' Ignore the fact that you have probably caused half a dozen.

RULES FOR BUS DRIVERS
As a bus driver, your sole purpose in life is to be a complete and total irritation to your customers, your fellow road users, and all of existance. There is only one person lower down the evolutionary scale than a bus driver. A bus passenger.

Cyclists should be respected and given a wide berth whilst being overtaken. And when we say 'wide', we mean noticably more than 2.7mm.

When you see someone running for the bus, wait until the last possible moment before shutting the door in their face and pulling away. The world loves a bastard.

When the lower deck of the bus is busy and people are waiting to get on, do not tell them to move to the top deck. Simply remain stationary, keep the front door shut, and refuse to let people on.

Every now and then, make sure that yourself or a colleague removes the entire top deck of a double-decker bus by ramming it headfirst into a low bridge. The classic excuse of 'I forgot' is almost always guaranteed to raise a Bunbunmaru headline and a hearty chuckle. Swiftly followed by the horrific realisation that any day soon, you will most likely be decapitated as a result of an absent-minded bus driver.

TRAFFIC CALMING
Some roads have special features such as road humps, chicanes, and narrowings. These are described as 'Traffic calming' measures. A more accurate title would be 'Driver baiting' measures. Yes, road humps do slow down your Touhou, but only by knackering it's suspension, deflating it's tyres, and forcing you to drive halfway across the road in order to hit the gap properly.

There are two seperate schools of thought when it comes to speed bumps. One is to slow down and place your Touhou in the centre of the road with your tyres either side in order to straddle the bump and minimise disruption to the ride height. The second strategy is to keep your foot down, hit the bump head on, and enjoy a short jump through the air like a post-mortem Yoshika or some low-budget edition of The Dukes Of Hazzard*. Again, this shall knacker your car, but at least you shall have some fun along the way.

Road humps are sometimes referred to as 'sleeping policemen'. This derives from an early example of traffic calming in which policemen would attempt to deter speeding drivers by lying on the road, pulling out a pillow, and bedding down for the night. It would work extremely well the first time, and reasonably well thereafter, as drivers slowed to avoid the bloody remains of a crushed, misguided constable... Best described as a 'Pyrrhic Victory'.


 * The Dukes Of Hazzard was pretty low budget to begin with. As far as we can tell, no money was spent on the script, the editing, the acting, or Daisy Duke's costume.

Tramways
Don't drive on a tramway, don't park on a tranway, don't block a tramway. That's about it, really. Let's face it - How many times do you come across a tramway?

ROAD WORKS
Road works are carried out by the Highways agency to benefit road users and reduce journey times, but mainly to bolster Gensoukyou's traffic-cone industry.

When encountering road works, stay in lane, slow to a safe speed, and prat that you'll emerge this side of Christmas.

If the road works are taking place at Christmas, pray that you'll emerge this side of eternity.

It is recommended that you make a sarcastic comment about 'road workers' being a contradiction in terms.

Be extra careful when passing a line of traffic cones in case a student suddenly decides to put one on his head, or mime licking a giant ice-cream.

Look out for the overhead signs that warn of road works just after you pass the last available exit and enter a 10-mile long tail back.

To the untrained eye, road works can seem amateur and disorganised. That is because they are.

If you wish to use the hard shoulder, think twice. It may seem fun, but most of them are covered in crap, and you will have to suffer close-up views of children weeing into the verge.

Major road works MUST carry an estimated completion date that is ambitious, but rubbish. Usually, these estimates should be six months out of date.

To calculate the correct completion time, add twelve months, add another twelve months, add the amount of time it would taked for you to do it with a trowel and a bucket of cement, and then double it. You're starting to get there.

In the case of motorway/freeway maintenance, a lane will close at least three miles before the first sign of activity. This activiy will usually consist of three fairies standing around a clapped-out steam roller whilst taking turns to hold a spade.

When approaching road works, drivers MUST repeat the phrase 'I can't believe they still haven't finished this'.

When passing road works, drivers MUST repeat the phrase 'Look, there's no-one even there!!!'

When leaving road works, drivers MUST repeat the phrase 'It's outrageous. What are we paying them for?!'

Be extra careful to look out for cranes, dumper trucks, diggers, pneumatic drills, and other Oni equipment. Even though you are a fully-grown adult, there's still a part of you that wishes you had one.

If directed to use a contraflow system, keep to the speed limit and watch in impotent rage as the traffic in the inside lane proceeds at twice the speed of yours.

When leaving road works and resuming the national speed limit, take extra effort to squeeze your Touhou's accelerator so you hit the new speed limit at exactly the same moment as you pass the sign. This immensely satisfying driving is what true warriors strive for, Mai boy.

INSURANCE
You MUST have a valid insurance policy. In all likelihood, you will have obtained this from a price comparison site (one with an annoying advertisement that annoying people insist is hilarious). You will have been quite economical with the truth whilst providing your details, and you will gave opted for a damage excess that's way, way higher than you'd like. Finally, you will be consumed with impotent fury when your premium is doubled thanks to a speeding fine that you picked up for driving through idle road works at midnight on a deserted motorway.

Traffic Incidents
When involved in a road accident, it is vital that you follow standard procedure:

• Listen in slow motion to the hideous noise of crunching metal, glass, bone, and (If you drive a Futo) crockery.

• Think to yourself 'That didn't sound particularly promising'.

• Realise that you have just knackered your Touhou, someone else's Touhou, and cost yourself hundreds of pounds.

• Swear.

• Catch your breath, calm down.

• Swear again.

• Panic as you try to remember sending off the insurance renewal.

• Swear again.

• Swear some more.

• Have a really big swear.

• Get out of the car and try to appear cool and nonchalant.

• Fail to appear cool and nonchalant.

• Try to be nice and friendly to the other driver (despite them clearly being a chuffing idiot and clearly at fault for putting their car in the way of yours).

• Examine the damage and realise (1) you are strangely thrilled, (2) you're completely done for.

• Exchange contact details with the other driver, resisiting the urge to give your name as 'Patchouli Ploppypants', 'Remilia Gurglecruncher', 'Rumia Lichenblubber', etc.

• Begin to rehearse the dramatic story that you're going to give to your family and friends.

• Begin to rehearse the mundane story that you are going to give to your insurance company.

• Swear one last time.

• Cry.

PENALTIES
Penalty fines are levied in order to deter drivers from speeding, illegal parking, and otjer minor offenses and most definitely NEVER, EVER, EVER to raise cash, hit performance levels, justify expenditure, or compensate for the police officer's low self-esteem.

The perception that Gensoukyou's Touhoumotoringists and Cirnocyclists are easy targets for taxation and revenue has been reinforced by several pieces of legislation, including:

• Touhoumotor Vehicles (Bullying and exploitation) Act 2005.

• Earn £££ with a Speed Camera Act 2006.

• Ha Ha Ha, Let's Get The Touhou-Driving Imbeciles Act 2007.

• Long-Suffering Commuters (Shooting Fish In A Barrel) Regulations 2008.

• £60 Fine For Being Two Minutes Late Leaving A Car Park Order 2009.

• This Is Incredible - How Do We Keep Getting Away With This? (Squeezing Blood Out Of A Stone Whilst Simultaneously Taking The Piss) Act 2010.

• Massive Parking Fines For Stopping Outside A Station (Even Though They Were Just Dropping Someone Off) Act 2011.

• Pretending Car Taxation Is An Incentive To Be More Eco-Conscious (And Absolutely Nothing To Do With Screwing Ordinary Law-Abiding Citizens Who Don't Have A Choice) Regulations 2012.

OTHER GUIDES FOR PURCHASE
Gensoukyou Guide To BMW Tailgating

How to get right up someone's backside, especially when you're in slow-moving traffic on the outside lane of the motorway. Includes details of when to flash your Touhou's headlights, how to dive inside someone at the last possible moment, and how to slam on the brakes and utterly terrify the vehicle behind you.

Maintaining Your SpaceNue

Due to Nue being an alien, a space shuttle has been crafted in her likeness. Launch procedures, flight procedures, and crash procedures. Plus, how to put pie into a sqeezable tube and what to do in the unlikely event of finding yourself in orbit. All I know is that i'm going to the chopping block now to have my head cut off by the alien's wing.

Gensoukyou Yssanagog Ffardwr Sogol I Mawr

Welsh version of Gensoukyou's Highway Code. Possibly. It's difficult to tell whether it's Welsh or just someone choking to their death on a peanut. Contains special advice for Welsh drivers, including tips on Parking a horse and carriage, adapting your Touhou to run on coal, and finding the quickest route out of Wales. Know Your Road Markings

A comprehensive and thorough 800-page guide to kerb, carriageway and road markings, and their role in Gensoukyou's history. At least we think so - No-one has ever bothered to read to the end. You shall lose the will to live around 'Chapter 6: The Evolution Of The Double-Spaced Chevron'.

Birmingham - A Cultural History Single-page leaflet. Contains large photographs, small photographs, several space-fillers, and directions to Coventry.

Practical Advice For Lorry Drivers

Detailed advice on diet (bacon sandwiches), hygiene (wiping your mouth with your sleeve), whistling, driving with one hand whilst urinating in to a bottle, leaning an arm on the window, looking down with a lot of contempt at passing motorists, picking up hitchhikers, plus remote places to bury them.

FINALLY, YOU MADE IT TO THE END
Anndddd that's it, people... Thank you all very much for trudging through this incoherant mess/rant about Gensoukyou/Britain's road network... Toodle Pipski~!

F.Derperty